...is a disease called "fat, ugly and depressed". In the 2.5 weeks since I ran 100 miles I've gained 5 pounds (yes, literally and I have the scale to prove it), I can't get out of bed in the morning and I HATE looking at myself in the mirror. I feel like I have zero positive thoughts about myself. I'm overwhelmed by every decision that I have to make...even like whether or not to run any particular day. I have a sub-zero motivation and I can't shake it. I cannot shake this funk. I called in late to work for two days (an hour-ish late each time) the week after and ended up calling in sick for an entire day the second week post run. I am eating shit. Yes, literally the crappiest food in the world. That is what I am putting into my body. Its like I am at a low point in a run, where I can see it but I feel utterly helpless to get myself out of it. That's how I feel now, only it's my life and I can't get myself out of it.
I'm going on a real trail run tonight and I'm really hoping it helps. I need to feel the trail under my feet, the sweat on my back and my face, I need to feel tired because I exerted myself and worked damn hard. I need to get back to myself because this is not me!
I'm back from the trail run. 10.6 mi in 2:25 w/ 1440' of gain. That felt perfectly wonderful and very spirit lifting. Just very reaffirming that I am actually a strong runner. I may not be the fastest or the strongest but I don't need to be. I am who I am and it's not relative to what someone else is. I am a strong woman. I am a trail runner. I am an ultra trail runner who has a heart and soul that live on the trails. Tonight I found my soul waiting for me about 2 miles in. I am renewed.