So many items swirling in my mind as I try to make some order out of the chaos of thoughts. My son, Dante was born in May 1997. We lived together in a duplex, just us. I worked full time and did everything I could to make ends meet. When I look back on that time, we spent a lot of time together. If I wasn't working, we were together. I did shift work so I had three or four days off at a time. He and I would go to the park. We'd go to the rec center to swim or play and we'd go on millions of walks in the stroller or the backpack. I had a seat on the back of my bike for him. I would pedal my bike for many miles with him on the back until I could feel his head in the small of my back, knowing he'd fallen asleep and I should head home. We had some fun times in the back yard too with a kiddie pool. We really didn't have much in terms of materialistic things but we had each other. That sounds kind of weird to say about a 21 year old mom and her babe, but when I think back on it, it's how I see it. Dante was just literally anything and everything that mattered to me at that point in my life.
I took him to church with me every Sunday. I drove him around to family friends' homes on Halloween so he could go trick or treating. That's a funny thing now that I think about it. Why would I drive all over caldwell to various family and friends' homes? Just to show them my cutie son in a pumpkin costume and then the next year in his Winnie the Pooh costume.
Once he got into Kindergarten, I would pray for him all the way to work every single day. Pray for his future. Pray for his health. Pray for his character and for God to protect him from any bad decisions I would ultimately make. I prayed for who his future friends would be and his future wife. I'd imagine all kinds of adventures he would one day get to have and hope that I would be able to see his dreams come true one day. At the age of two weeks old, I dedicated him in the same church I was dedicated in some 21+ years earlier. I dedicated myself to raising him in the way of God and Jesus.
There's just so many things that stick out to me as I think about Dante's early years. I remember when he was first born and how all of the sudden, every bone in my body that was ever impatient was all of the sudden patient, making space for motherhood to grow within my depths. I remember when he cried how my heart would respond with the desire to immediately meet . I remember how I tried to be a consistent rule maker/follower for him as a model.
Our relationship was really one of unique rarity. Dante would share with me about things that most sons would never speak of with a mom. Somehow he had this depth of self awareness at such an early age. We were able to discuss things we were passionate about, both of us caring a lot about relationships. We could be truly vulnerable and authentic with one another in a way that I had never known with another human. He could discuss deep matters with brilliance. I see now that these characteristics really built a strong foundation for our relational connection.
Around Dante's 16th bday there were some circumstances that led to a most violent and traumatic crushing of this beloved relationship. There were many players involved in the undoing of our relationship, but the primary player was me. It really was my fault. The pain of that time was pain that I didn't think would ever subside nor could I see any light to navigate toward. Have you ever felt emotional pain that was so intense, no numbing, escaping or coping method would even touch it? I had truly lost my son. There would be no going back. I think he would also agree that he felt like he lost his mom. We had spent the first 16 years of his life walking in tandem through all the things and then all of the sudden, the bond snapped in half and it was just gone. It was really gone. The years of profound love, the depth of relationship we had enjoyed were.. gone. Just utterly gone. I could feel the dark powers laughing at this crumbling of something so precious. I couldn't even breathe. There were many consequential relationships that went out to sea after this. All of them a result of me either turning my back and walking away or just trying to pave a way for a new family that did not include toxic people.
I found myself living alone again now sharing custody of my younger three children (Dante's younger siblings at the time) I was in my own personal hell. I think these years were the worst years I've ever experienced in my life in terms of fear, panic and pain. I found myself again, praying every day on the way to work but now was asking God if he had forgotten me...forgotten Dante and my other children. Either God was silent or I was wearing the most God-cancelling ear muffs ever. I felt like the Israelites who were enslaved for 400 years when God was seemingly not there. I eventually concluded that God really HAD forgotten about me and I was on my own. This is the consequence of divorcing and not behaving in line with my priorities. It was my fault. I decided I just needed to do the 'ol "pull myself up by my boot straps" and stop wishing for a rescuer. Self loathing was the staple of those days. So many nights I cried myself to sleep. My poor coworkers and my boss of many years...I'm certain they thought I'd never get over it. The pain would ever end. My relationship with my son....the one thing on the earth that I cared about the longest, was gone. I wanted to die.
For the next 4+ years, I saw Dante maybe a couple times a year. He eventually went to live with my parents. The pain I thought I had before was now heaped with shame and embarrassment at what a failure I was as a mom. I didn't get to throw him bday parties anymore, I didn't get to plan a celebration of his graduation... I felt so robbed (of my own doing) and each one of these things seemed to just turn the knife a little more...reminding me of how much relationship I DIDN'T have with my son. He ALWAYS came to visit me on Mother's Day and brought me flowers or a nice card. The first year, he didn't come IN my home, but he came. He also ALWAYS texted or called or something on my bday. These were the two times a year I could count on hearing from my beloved Dante.
I did a great job of distracting myself from the emotional agony during those years and eventually that led to more problems and even more turmoil for my children. I seem to be good at creating turmoil, unfortunately. Nonetheless, in Nov 2016, I found myself at a giant crossroad. I heard a pastor say once that God shows up when you find yourself at these kinds of crossroads. God showed up! He spoke so loudly to me that even though I TRIED not to listen, I couldn't help but hear His message. God told me if I would be faithful with what I had been handed, He would change everything. It was like signing up to be alive and having no idea how to make your heart beat or how to make your lungs inhale and exhale. I didn't know what this "everything" was that God said would be changed. I was in such massive misery, I didn't know what else to do....it was either choose faith in God or I would actually die. Honestly, at this point...I don't think I could have been a bigger failure as a person let alone a mom. With the desire to follow God's leading at this crossroads, Dante and I began the uphill climb to restoring relationship. This was one of the very first things God did as a result of my choice to have faith in Him.
Just over a year later, Dante was in a car accident and his phone was no where to be found. Some people stopped by the accident site and the only phone number Dante remembered was mine, so he called me. The sound of his voice is something I will never forget. He sounded so raw. I recognized that raw-ness immediately. It's hard to describe this because it wasn't about the accident (everyone was fine) but it seemed like something switched for Dante too after this accident. Another four months went by and Dante let me throw him a family bday party for his 21st bday. I was so nervous. I wanted everything to be perfect (as if that's what would be the new foundation of a relationship - can you hear the sarcasm?). The day turned out w/o a hitch and I had a very tiny sliver of hope that we would once again have relationship.
Dante was playing basketball for a mens rec league. He gave me his schedule so I started going to some of his games. It was so amazing to be able to get to be around him again. About two years ago he started coming over once a week for dinner. We had a week here and there where it didn't work for one reason or another, but this wasn't a problem since every Tues I could pretty much count on seeing Dante and getting to be together. We had a brief pause when the pandemic started, but even that was short lived. Then he started calling me just to talk about stuff... and we started going out for dinner, just the two of us and getting together so we could discuss things. I dared to start praying again for all the things that I used to pray about. About his friends. About his dreams and his passion for God. About his heart.
Then a year ago, Dante really decided to train hard and try to get into an elite unit of the Air Force. I watched Dante go after this with all the drive and determination I have always known of him. He has always had this *thing* about him. This *thing* looked like incredible strength, tenacity and perseverance. It looked like a drive to carry on and work even harder when the going got tough. He is not put off by hard stuff. This actually energizes him. He is incredibly sensitive to others and very intuitive but there is something about him when it comes to goals. If he is passionate about a particular goal, his success is something you can take to the bank. I have been incredibly impressed, inspired and 100% supportive of this move in Dante's life. I've watched him just absolutely go balls to the wall toward his goal, knocking them out day after day, each workout after each workout and this led to him finding a strength within himself that he didn't even know existed. Or maybe he did know, but he hadn't accessed it previously in his life. What an absolute honor to witness.
In the meantime, over the last two years, our relationship has grown in a way I didn't think would ever be reality. My love for Dante has grown even deeper than I knew possible eight years ago. Maybe the purpose of that pain I experienced eight years ago was to create new space for the joy that would be this newly rekindled love and connection with my first love. What's quite odd for me now, in this place is how emotional I feel. All at the same time I have incredible pride and once inconceivable, renewed affection. A connection that's a treasure of immeasurable value. Couple all of that with fleeting thoughts about Tues night dinners without Dante, random phone calls that will be non-existent for a bit (hopefully to return) and a physical geographical separation that I have not known before. Holy crying spells....
Tonight my dad and I dropped Dante off at the hotel. He'll swear in tomorrow, have his medical check and head out!! It's been an intense couple of days with dance recitals, child dedications, tons of games, family pictures and late night talks. We've done a ton of big family activities together. I was steeling my emotions up in the most hard core way I could muster. I didn't end up doing so awesome at keeping the tears in my body. That's for sure not my forte.
Somewhere along the way...over the last 24 years of Dante's life, God heard my prayers. God is forever faithful. He is not a "do nothing" God. Even when I cannot see with my own eyes. He really does do as He says He will in Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them". Somewhere in this, God had mercy on me. I was afforded a million trailer loads of grace...and in the same way, my son has shown me mercy and grace. God changed our relationship because of mercy and grace, that I most certain could never earn. God never stops pursuing us. He really doesn't AND He is RELENTLESS. He pursued Dante and has called him to step into a place where he can be stretched and have space to grow with the Air Force. What an honor. What a way to worship God. Once again today, I prayed for Dante all the way home. Now 24 years later, I still find myself praying for the same things. I prayed for his dreams and goals. I prayed for his protection. I prayed for the people that would come into his life. I prayed for his training. I prayed for his character. I pray for his relationship with God.
Thank you God for Dante. Thank you God for enough mercy and grace to restore a relationship that I don't deserve. Thank you Dante for showing me just enough mercy and grace. I will carry our relationship with me in my heart. I am always on your side. You're stronger than even YOU think you are. You're a finisher. I will always love who you are on the insides the most. Now. You do what God is calling you to do!! I am ALWAYS for that.
