Tuesday, July 3, 2012

100 Mile Recovery...

...is a disease called "fat, ugly and depressed". In the 2.5 weeks since I ran 100 miles I've gained 5 pounds (yes, literally and I have the scale to prove it), I can't get out of bed in the morning and I HATE looking at myself in the mirror.  I feel like I have zero positive thoughts about myself.  I'm overwhelmed by every decision that I have to make...even like whether or not to run any particular day.  I have a sub-zero motivation and I can't shake it.  I cannot shake this funk.  I called in late to work for two days (an hour-ish late each time) the week after and ended up calling in sick for an entire day the second week post run.  I am eating shit.  Yes, literally the crappiest food in the world.  That is what I am putting into my body.  Its like I am at a low point in a run, where I can see it but I feel utterly helpless to get myself out of it.  That's how I feel now, only it's my life and I can't get myself out of it. 

I'm going on a real trail run tonight and I'm really hoping it helps.  I need to feel the trail under my feet, the sweat on my back and my face, I need to feel tired because I exerted myself and worked damn hard.  I need to get back to myself because this is not me!

I'm back from the trail run.  10.6 mi in 2:25 w/ 1440' of gain.  That felt perfectly wonderful and very spirit lifting.  Just very reaffirming that I am actually a strong runner.  I may not be the fastest or the strongest but I don't need to be.  I am who I am and it's not relative to what someone else is.  I am a strong woman.  I am a trail runner.  I am an ultra trail runner who has a heart and soul that live on the trails.  Tonight I found my soul waiting for me about 2 miles in.  I am renewed.