Tuesday, June 24, 2014

I say three months, but what if it's six months or even a year?

This last weekend was the running of the BigHorn 100 miler in the Bighorn mountains of WY. This was the setting of my first 100 mile attempt and finish in 2012. I had no pacer. I had no crew. I had a log worth of miles and giant pile of determination built up in my soul.

I should back up.... I have asthma and am going to have another baby in about 3 short months. Asthma, pregnancy and my body all hate each other. Generally I can make two of them get along, body + asthma OR body + pregnancy BUT, not all three. It's such a balancing act and it feels so ridiculous. Asthma is one of those things that I can't muscle through. Believe me, I've tried. From wheezing all night, to a resting heart rate of 142 in the doctor's office because of an asthma exacerbation...I hate asthma. It has been fairly well controlled up until this last January when I got pregnant. Since this is not my first rodeo with pregnancy, I knew fairly early and stopped taking all allergy and asthma meds since I had no clue what was safe and what wasn't.  So of course I've gained weight.  Hello, that's what you do when there's another person growing in your belly.  I have run less and less and the harder I try, the more I wheeze and end up back on stronger meds.  What a ridiculous struggle and cycle this has been. 

Where am I now?  I have three months til I have another sweet cutie pot to love for the rest of my life.  I cherish this gift and I don't want anything I say about running or my future goals to ever give a different impression.  Nonetheless, I have a drive and hellishly stubborn determination that cannot be ignored and it's really rearing it's head lately.  As the Pickled Feet 24 run passed by this last March.....I placed 2nd overall female for the last two years and didn't even participate this year.  I was a co-RD this year for the race but my RD partner and I had discussed me running during the preparation for this event.  Last March I ran my most recent 100 miler, so now I'm officially a year out from running 100....my beloved distance. An now, I won't get to do one in 2014 at all.  Yes, I know that there are more important things in life and this is temporary and will not last forever, etc.  "Look at the big picture AMY!" is what I hear from EVERYONE.  I recognize I'm whining and complaining. 

But on a serious note, as I look to the future and have been counting down the days til I can hold my cutie in my arms and take back control of some things in my life, like breathing (proper asthma medication that has been on the shelf during pregnancy), I ponder things like....how long before I will run again?  Will I have to struggle to just run two miles again?  That's where I started in 2008.  Do I have to start all the way back there?  Can I nurse a babe and run an ultra?  I only ran half maries last time I was nursing.  I never tried to go any further.  So what if I can only run the 13.1?  As I watched all the posts about BH, I wondered if maybe I could do this 100 as a "re-entry" into my ultra life again....in 2015?  I mean that would logistically look like me training heavy for six months in 2015 (assuming I take two months off from Oct - Dec 2014 to recover and drop some weight, stabilize lactation and babe, etc.).  I don't think it can happen.  It's too much, too fast.  I'm not 20 or even 30.  I'll be 39 in Aug and pregnancy is not as easy when you're this age....in case anyone had that burning question in their mind, I'll be the first to tell you...it's easier when you're younger. 

I love my babe and I wouldn't change a thing.  But I do wonder and am beginning to realize that my ultrarunning may have to wait a bit longer than the three months I've been telling myself.  I probably won't be capable of training at the level needed to do a hundo in 2015.  Hmmmm.....we will see.  I can say that I've had some pretty good mental training through this last year.  At least I have THAT going for me.  Plus I have a person in my life that is super supportive of me running and training.  My children are in a MUCH better place than I've ever known them to be.  Whose to say this isn't going to be the best running season yet...2015 that is?  I could strive for a half marathon PR! or just go for a new weight goal.  How often do you get to burn some extra cals during the day just by being alive (lactation)?  I can make this work for me.  Not that it's all about me, but I mean really.... I need goals and things to look forward to.  I don't have to attain every single goal in my life, but I do want to have something to work for. 

Okay, enough babbling...carry on and happy running people.  :)

A new way to "BE" - a non-running post

***I found this post that I wrote in December 2013 that I never published. I'm not sure why but I'm going to go ahead publishing it.

Most of my journey over the last six months has been what you could affectionately refer to as a train wreck. I have a very close friend who keeps telling me "from an outsider looking in at you, I see you getting better". I was looking back at some old journal entries over the last five years. Mostly circa 2008-2012. Probably the most crazy insane times of my life. Anyway, I have so many thoughts. So many things I want to say about myself because I feel like I was so very misrepresented as I tried to balance things in my home, I would jump to extremes and completely abandon who I really am on the inside.

#1 I love my children. I don't necessarily think I misrepresented this about myself but certainly have never been truthful about how much I really WANT each one of my babes. I do tease around how both of my boys (ages 16 and 5) were entirely unplanned but truly from the place in your soul where you love your children from....you know, that deep place that has no real words to describe the depth of feeling....I wanted my boys and love them to the max!!! The relationships I have with my children NOW are what I make of them. I'm not parenting them to any one else's satisfaction or out of the needs of someone else. My children, these relationships are how I make a difference in this world. If I cannot do good in their lives, then what good am I to the people I clearly have MUCH less of an influence on? "100 years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove....but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child"

#2 I am random. I'm not organized except for what things I HAVE to organize. I can do really good at organizing things and I always feel a sense of relief when things are organized but anyway. I spent a long time being so organized I nearly made myself insane. I don't do that anymore.

#3 I procrastinate. I'm really bad about this.

#4 I want to be needed and I want to be wanted. I have really struggled with this over the last few weeks.

#5 I want a partner. A person that I am vulnerable with and who is vulnerable with me. Someone that I may end up sharing many, many years with. I have many doubts that this will come to fruition in my life. I no longer believe that this partner person has to be a spouse. I don't even think this person would be someone you have to live with. I don't know what I believe about this partner person but I'm trying to figure that out.

#6 Learning to love myself has been a bizarre thing. I mean I want to teach my children that they are loved and loveable creatures simply because they have a heart beat. They do not need to do or be or say or act any certain way to earn my love. How is it that I can teach this to my children as truth if I do not believe it or own it for me? I have much to learn in this department.