***I found this post that I wrote in December 2013 that I never published. I'm not sure why but I'm going to go ahead publishing it.
Most of my journey over the last six months has been what you could affectionately refer to as a train wreck. I have a very close friend who keeps telling me "from an outsider looking in at you, I see you getting better". I was looking back at some old journal entries over the last five years. Mostly circa 2008-2012. Probably the most crazy insane times of my life. Anyway, I have so many thoughts. So many things I want to say about myself because I feel like I was so very misrepresented as I tried to balance things in my home, I would jump to extremes and completely abandon who I really am on the inside.
#1 I love my children. I don't necessarily think I misrepresented this about myself but certainly have never been truthful about how much I really WANT each one of my babes. I do tease around how both of my boys (ages 16 and 5) were entirely unplanned but truly from the place in your soul where you love your children from....you know, that deep place that has no real words to describe the depth of feeling....I wanted my boys and love them to the max!!! The relationships I have with my children NOW are what I make of them. I'm not parenting them to any one else's satisfaction or out of the needs of someone else. My children, these relationships are how I make a difference in this world. If I cannot do good in their lives, then what good am I to the people I clearly have MUCH less of an influence on? "100 years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove....but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child"
#2 I am random. I'm not organized except for what things I HAVE to organize. I can do really good at organizing things and I always feel a sense of relief when things are organized but anyway. I spent a long time being so organized I nearly made myself insane. I don't do that anymore.
#3 I procrastinate. I'm really bad about this.
#4 I want to be needed and I want to be wanted. I have really struggled with this over the last few weeks.
#5 I want a partner. A person that I am vulnerable with and who is vulnerable with me. Someone that I may end up sharing many, many years with. I have many doubts that this will come to fruition in my life. I no longer believe that this partner person has to be a spouse. I don't even think this person would be someone you have to live with. I don't know what I believe about this partner person but I'm trying to figure that out.
#6 Learning to love myself has been a bizarre thing. I mean I want to teach my children that they are loved and loveable creatures simply because they have a heart beat. They do not need to do or be or say or act any certain way to earn my love. How is it that I can teach this to my children as truth if I do not believe it or own it for me? I have much to learn in this department.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Friday, September 6, 2013
some serious mental training
***pictures to come***
For those of you that know me, you understand that since last summer my life has been spiraling out of control....literally to what has felt like the pits of hell. From the disolution of a 13 year marriage and the massive collateral damage to my relationship with my oldest son (16 yr old) to me now hardly running even 10 miles a week and working almost double the number of hours I was a year ago. My new status: I have chosen to be alive. I don't have a clue what that looks like, but I'm going to live life alive. No more survival mode. No more self loathing. Bring on life and living.
My birthday was last Sat (Aug 31) and I turned 38. I am so young it's not even funny. I don't have arthritis. I don't have any fatal diseases (other than being mortal). In fact, I'm a damn healthy person. I have allergies and asthma but since the break up of my marriage can you believe that my peak flows have actually improved?! I still get allergies shots every two weeks and that's a pain in the ass but they are working. I've been around cats. I've even petted them as well as dogs without any reactions whatsoever. I've been weaned off of some of my medicines. The time of year has come when sage and chenopod run rampid and my allergies tend to soar which reeks havoc on my respiratory system. So far, so good this year. This is great news. All of this leads to strength and the ability to overcome.
This summer I've had the most random training...if you can even call it that. I've had sporatic (at best) weight training. Running has been as high has 60+ mi a week to zero mi a week. So...pretty consistent in the wildly varying dept. Don't ya think? : ) I ran the MTC 40 mi in July http://mccalltrailrunningclassic.blogspot.com/ and discovered the most amazing things. #1 I had zero training except for the horrific mental training that I had been experiencing. #2 I had nothing but positive mental places to be. There were some hard climbs in the nearly 10K' of gain over the course and I actually ran out of water for several miles. I had some generally unpleasant things happen just like in most races but something different happened at this race. I didn't spiral into a mental low that looked like a bottomless pit. In fact, I didn't spiral at all. When I ran out of water, I knew I was within a few miles of aid and so I told myself "it's ok Amy. This is going to hurt some because you want water. You'll get it. You'll be fine. Carry on and get your ass to the AS". So, I did. No mental spiral. I finished this race in the top 10 females. I think there were only 11-12 girls but still. I finished 8th with a time of 12:22:43. I was so happy about that I think I smiled for a week. Then in August, I was going back to Wild Idaho. http://www.runwildidaho.com/50-mile/ That was the setting for my very first ultramarathon in 2011. So much has occurred in the last 2 years. I never would have imagined. This year however instead of barely being able to finish a 50K, I planned to dominate a 50 miler. And dominate I did. I took that race by the horns and owned it. I made an agressive pacing chart and once again, with little to horrible training, I finished 4th female (of 5 total) and had a finish time of 15:09:28. That 50 miler has approx 16K' of gain. Beyond happy with my finish. Of course this is after I had marked about 9 miles of the course the day before but hey, who ever said trail running was for pansies.
Then just last weekend, over my birthday I got to help sweep the 100 mile IMTUF http://imtuf100.com/ course with one of my favorite people, Emily Berriochoa. http://emilyberriochoa.com/home/ I've mentioned her in some of my previous blog posts but she is seriously one of my most cherished running friends. She is a friend as much outside of running as she is in my running world. We swept a little under half of the last of the course together. We rang in my birthday at the Snowslide AS where one of my very best friends (Shanda) and I got to hang out for a while. I felt so lucky to be alive in that moment. Two other friends, Kristine Goodman and Kayla Meeker were there too and we sat around for a short while talking and sharing. It's really amazing how you can inspire others and never even know you were doing anything. Never underestimate the power of relationship. I love my friends. They've held my hand while I walked through fire this last year. They've helped me put one foot in front of the other when I forgot I even had feet. They've reminded me of who I am when I forgot. They have loved me and supported me in ways that I never knew possible. I will not underestimate the power of these bonds.
In talking with a friend today who is currently running a 5K a day for the entire year of his 39th year of age, I thought....I should do something like that too. I don't see myself being able to commit to a 5K every day, but I can certainly commit to a minimum number of miles per week. This is what I did a few winters ago when I needed to simply maintain my fitness. So, I think I'll do something like that for my 38th year of life. I'm not really about defining much or putting my goals in a box lately so I'm just going to leave it all flexy and say that I'm making this a hell of a year and am getting back to more and more of who I really am. I like the "real me" better than the "survival mode me".
OK, all you trail runners. Carry on with your badass selves. Go soak up some trail dirt and whether you're climbing, running a nice flat path or slamming a downhill, go for it....live your life ALIVE and full of passion. Don't quit, don't stop, push forward through the tough stuff. There really is some light up ahead.
For those of you that know me, you understand that since last summer my life has been spiraling out of control....literally to what has felt like the pits of hell. From the disolution of a 13 year marriage and the massive collateral damage to my relationship with my oldest son (16 yr old) to me now hardly running even 10 miles a week and working almost double the number of hours I was a year ago. My new status: I have chosen to be alive. I don't have a clue what that looks like, but I'm going to live life alive. No more survival mode. No more self loathing. Bring on life and living.
My birthday was last Sat (Aug 31) and I turned 38. I am so young it's not even funny. I don't have arthritis. I don't have any fatal diseases (other than being mortal). In fact, I'm a damn healthy person. I have allergies and asthma but since the break up of my marriage can you believe that my peak flows have actually improved?! I still get allergies shots every two weeks and that's a pain in the ass but they are working. I've been around cats. I've even petted them as well as dogs without any reactions whatsoever. I've been weaned off of some of my medicines. The time of year has come when sage and chenopod run rampid and my allergies tend to soar which reeks havoc on my respiratory system. So far, so good this year. This is great news. All of this leads to strength and the ability to overcome.
This summer I've had the most random training...if you can even call it that. I've had sporatic (at best) weight training. Running has been as high has 60+ mi a week to zero mi a week. So...pretty consistent in the wildly varying dept. Don't ya think? : ) I ran the MTC 40 mi in July http://mccalltrailrunningclassic.blogspot.com/ and discovered the most amazing things. #1 I had zero training except for the horrific mental training that I had been experiencing. #2 I had nothing but positive mental places to be. There were some hard climbs in the nearly 10K' of gain over the course and I actually ran out of water for several miles. I had some generally unpleasant things happen just like in most races but something different happened at this race. I didn't spiral into a mental low that looked like a bottomless pit. In fact, I didn't spiral at all. When I ran out of water, I knew I was within a few miles of aid and so I told myself "it's ok Amy. This is going to hurt some because you want water. You'll get it. You'll be fine. Carry on and get your ass to the AS". So, I did. No mental spiral. I finished this race in the top 10 females. I think there were only 11-12 girls but still. I finished 8th with a time of 12:22:43. I was so happy about that I think I smiled for a week. Then in August, I was going back to Wild Idaho. http://www.runwildidaho.com/50-mile/ That was the setting for my very first ultramarathon in 2011. So much has occurred in the last 2 years. I never would have imagined. This year however instead of barely being able to finish a 50K, I planned to dominate a 50 miler. And dominate I did. I took that race by the horns and owned it. I made an agressive pacing chart and once again, with little to horrible training, I finished 4th female (of 5 total) and had a finish time of 15:09:28. That 50 miler has approx 16K' of gain. Beyond happy with my finish. Of course this is after I had marked about 9 miles of the course the day before but hey, who ever said trail running was for pansies.
Then just last weekend, over my birthday I got to help sweep the 100 mile IMTUF http://imtuf100.com/ course with one of my favorite people, Emily Berriochoa. http://emilyberriochoa.com/home/ I've mentioned her in some of my previous blog posts but she is seriously one of my most cherished running friends. She is a friend as much outside of running as she is in my running world. We swept a little under half of the last of the course together. We rang in my birthday at the Snowslide AS where one of my very best friends (Shanda) and I got to hang out for a while. I felt so lucky to be alive in that moment. Two other friends, Kristine Goodman and Kayla Meeker were there too and we sat around for a short while talking and sharing. It's really amazing how you can inspire others and never even know you were doing anything. Never underestimate the power of relationship. I love my friends. They've held my hand while I walked through fire this last year. They've helped me put one foot in front of the other when I forgot I even had feet. They've reminded me of who I am when I forgot. They have loved me and supported me in ways that I never knew possible. I will not underestimate the power of these bonds.
In talking with a friend today who is currently running a 5K a day for the entire year of his 39th year of age, I thought....I should do something like that too. I don't see myself being able to commit to a 5K every day, but I can certainly commit to a minimum number of miles per week. This is what I did a few winters ago when I needed to simply maintain my fitness. So, I think I'll do something like that for my 38th year of life. I'm not really about defining much or putting my goals in a box lately so I'm just going to leave it all flexy and say that I'm making this a hell of a year and am getting back to more and more of who I really am. I like the "real me" better than the "survival mode me".
OK, all you trail runners. Carry on with your badass selves. Go soak up some trail dirt and whether you're climbing, running a nice flat path or slamming a downhill, go for it....live your life ALIVE and full of passion. Don't quit, don't stop, push forward through the tough stuff. There really is some light up ahead.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Training and a dream....part 2
Do you ever have those training days where everything just goes right? Like the world was set in motion this AM just to bring me some stuff to smile about!
Have you ever drifted off to sleep and somehow immediately began to dream? You know the type...where you wake up with a hard jerk that shakes the entire bed. That's what happened to me last night. I was drifting off after reading. The material I was reading was very profound and quite thought provoking. I knew that it would take some days of processing before I could fully grasp. Nonetheless, as I drifted off I could see myself running down a trail. I was chasing myself as I tripped over a large root in the ground. That's right, I JOLTED myself in my bed as I tried to catch my fall in my dream. I nearly threw myself out of the bed but then sat there with my heart beating a million miles an hour. I love falling asleep to running and especially on a trail.
At this point in the training, I'm looking at 3.5 weeks until I once again attempt the 100 mile distance. There's something about the 100 mile that draws me in, that distance is set apart even from the 100K distance...at least for me. It's the overnight portion that puts it in another category. I lost a great deal of confidence after IMTUF for a variety of reasons that weren't all connected to running. Since January and my recovery from supposed "walking pneumonia" and a sinus infection that caused yet another asthma flare, has been like a catapolt to a new level of breathing. A new level evidenced by peak flow volumes I've never seen from my lungs. I feel amazing. I've had tempo runs that reminded me that I don't always have to be a 17 m/m trail slogger (no offense to any of my slogging friends) but that I can still run some sub 10 m/m and even sub 9 if I go for it. I still get a bit anxious when I start breathing hard (if I'm going for a sub 9 m/m) and I'm still about 9 pounds above where I was last year. BUT I'm working on it. I'm stronger because of it. Today, on my run after a particularly insightful conversation, I ran with food for thought. I imagined myself as a muskox. With the strength and knowledge that comes from a journey that is wild, rough and unrelenting. I thought about what Emily told me right before we started IMTUF. She told me how she'd been telling herself all night long how she was strong and could do this. She was coaching and self-motivating. (WOW did that ever work!!!) I realized that is exactly what I was doing only it was happening during a short 6 mile run. Last week my tempo run ended with the fastest mile split I'd seen in a year. 9:33. Today, my second to the last mile was a 9:35 and I nearly panicked. I own negative splits and I make them happen. When I saw the 9:35 I immediately doubted my ability to pull off an add'l mile with a negative split. I figured I had nothing to lose for trying. I was going home and would literally be right at my driveway when the mile clicked over. I had no reason to hold back. Not only that but this is my peak week for mileage so might as well make it a peak week for pace too right? I did it. 9:07! I almost pee'd my pants from surprise. In fact I completely started crying. Right there. In my driveway. Bent over at the waist heaving with tears. I did it. I am strong. I am a runner.
A recent quote that I've wrestled with is "this is how he grows: by being defeated decisively by increasingly larger beings" -Rilke I've been defeated by IMTUF. I've been defeated by respiratory problems. I've been defeated by the breakdown of my marriage and my family. These defeats have taught me lessons. I'm stronger now. I'm wiser now. I recognize past "beings" as no longer having the power they once held. Today this manifested in my run. I've learned how to manage my respiratory system. I've learned some of the lessons of a DNF. I'm growing as a Jesus girl and it's making me a better person, better wife, better mom and friend. I have much to learn and lots of room for growth. For this moment, I'll bask in this good run day!
Have you ever drifted off to sleep and somehow immediately began to dream? You know the type...where you wake up with a hard jerk that shakes the entire bed. That's what happened to me last night. I was drifting off after reading. The material I was reading was very profound and quite thought provoking. I knew that it would take some days of processing before I could fully grasp. Nonetheless, as I drifted off I could see myself running down a trail. I was chasing myself as I tripped over a large root in the ground. That's right, I JOLTED myself in my bed as I tried to catch my fall in my dream. I nearly threw myself out of the bed but then sat there with my heart beating a million miles an hour. I love falling asleep to running and especially on a trail.
At this point in the training, I'm looking at 3.5 weeks until I once again attempt the 100 mile distance. There's something about the 100 mile that draws me in, that distance is set apart even from the 100K distance...at least for me. It's the overnight portion that puts it in another category. I lost a great deal of confidence after IMTUF for a variety of reasons that weren't all connected to running. Since January and my recovery from supposed "walking pneumonia" and a sinus infection that caused yet another asthma flare, has been like a catapolt to a new level of breathing. A new level evidenced by peak flow volumes I've never seen from my lungs. I feel amazing. I've had tempo runs that reminded me that I don't always have to be a 17 m/m trail slogger (no offense to any of my slogging friends) but that I can still run some sub 10 m/m and even sub 9 if I go for it. I still get a bit anxious when I start breathing hard (if I'm going for a sub 9 m/m) and I'm still about 9 pounds above where I was last year. BUT I'm working on it. I'm stronger because of it. Today, on my run after a particularly insightful conversation, I ran with food for thought. I imagined myself as a muskox. With the strength and knowledge that comes from a journey that is wild, rough and unrelenting. I thought about what Emily told me right before we started IMTUF. She told me how she'd been telling herself all night long how she was strong and could do this. She was coaching and self-motivating. (WOW did that ever work!!!) I realized that is exactly what I was doing only it was happening during a short 6 mile run. Last week my tempo run ended with the fastest mile split I'd seen in a year. 9:33. Today, my second to the last mile was a 9:35 and I nearly panicked. I own negative splits and I make them happen. When I saw the 9:35 I immediately doubted my ability to pull off an add'l mile with a negative split. I figured I had nothing to lose for trying. I was going home and would literally be right at my driveway when the mile clicked over. I had no reason to hold back. Not only that but this is my peak week for mileage so might as well make it a peak week for pace too right? I did it. 9:07! I almost pee'd my pants from surprise. In fact I completely started crying. Right there. In my driveway. Bent over at the waist heaving with tears. I did it. I am strong. I am a runner.
A recent quote that I've wrestled with is "this is how he grows: by being defeated decisively by increasingly larger beings" -Rilke I've been defeated by IMTUF. I've been defeated by respiratory problems. I've been defeated by the breakdown of my marriage and my family. These defeats have taught me lessons. I'm stronger now. I'm wiser now. I recognize past "beings" as no longer having the power they once held. Today this manifested in my run. I've learned how to manage my respiratory system. I've learned some of the lessons of a DNF. I'm growing as a Jesus girl and it's making me a better person, better wife, better mom and friend. I have much to learn and lots of room for growth. For this moment, I'll bask in this good run day!
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
The good, The bad and The happy days
So, there's been a mega inversion in the Treasure Valley for the last several weeks following Christmas. It honestly didn't dawn on me until Saturday's 50K sweep of the Wilson Creek frozen 50K that we may also be dealing with poor air quality. Nonetheless, the lows have been in the single digits to negative numbers and highs during the day are a swealtering 20 on a good day! So, all outside running no matter when you go is pretty brutal. I did get run down at Christmas with family here but doesn't everyone? I had very low miles in December and I just figured I'd pick back up after my sister left to go back to OK on Jan 5th. The very next night I met up with my training friend Emily and ran a 10 mile death march. First off, we were meeting people at the Lake Lowell Refuge and my understanding was that we'd run a straight line from her house which would be less than 2 miles. Well, leave it to Emily to have something more pleasant. She had a 3 mile route planned out and since we had just under 30 minutes to get there, I realized I was going to die. #1 I've gained 15 pounds since my BigHorn 100 finish in June 2012. That's been very difficult for me not only psychologically but physically as well when it comes to my work of breathing on a run. #2 I ran less than 50 miles in the month of December. Compared to the 150ish miles I'd been running every month in 2012, Dec was a very low running month. Needless to say, those 3 miles of sub 10 min/mi was like a full out sprint and in single digit temperatures...the combo was just no good. I was a wheeze fest on the way home from that 10 miler but the fact that I finished and didn't die and honestly didn't even walk (I may have spent 15-20 seconds wretching at the top of the 3rd roller) in less than 2 hours was great. Just to know I could knock off a 10 miler felt like all wasn't completely lost.
However the week following my "almost died but knocked off 10 miles" run, I didn't run even a step. Between the dance classes for my two daughters and my oldest son's high school JV basketball and not to mention, I have a job, make dinner, do the laundry and try to squeeze some sleep and a few showers in....I feel lucky to have a moment to breathe every day. Sunday night came around again and I thought it would be prudent to go ahead and do that 10 miles again with Emily knowing that I should be able to have a few days to get more miles in than just 10 that next week. This 10 miles we ran with Tony Bunt. He is a super fast guy who was gracious enough to allow me to slog on behind him and Emily. I swear I've turned into more than a back of the packer, I'm like the little fat kid running behind the entire group waving their hands saying "wait for me"......only in reality I'm the one wheezing, dying on the inside, trying to find that part of me that really does love this.
All the dang wheezing....and along comes the WC50K. I've had some serious panic and doubts about my ability to finish this distance knowing my peak flows have dropped, it's absolutely sub-artic weather outside and an orange air quality to top it all off. Luckily, Jon K and I only had to do about 24 miles and a good deal of that was with the last 20 mile runner who was going at a pace that was completely comfortable for a wheeze machine such as myself. Even still, on the way home if I tried to talk to many words or laugh or exhale/inhale with any kind of force, it would send me into a mass of smoker's hack sounding cough spasms.
I swear I can't live like this. I yell at my kids, I'm angry with my husband and life in general is not pleasant for those around me. So I gave in and called the doctor this morning. They got me in today. I had a fever that was low grade. She said this likely meant that I've been having "this" lingering and my body has been working hard to fight it off. OH, maybe that's why I have a stupid cold sore now! Anyway, she said I had either one of or a combo of walking pneumonia and a sinus infection. Back to the drug store for my antibiotics and steriod anti-inflammatories. MORE MEDICATIONS.....I keep telling myself it's for the greater good of my wellbeing. Not just for running because if that's all it is for, then it seems only selfish to take meds and spend money like that. I mean I do feel better when I can breath and all but somehow it just doesn't seem fair. I said as much to the Nurse Practitioner that I saw today and she said it's really not ok for me to just sit around since that doesn't make me short of breath. Yesterday, pushing H (my 5 y.o.) and D (my 4 y.o.) in a cart at WinCo, I was so short of breath, I had to take H out of the cart to get the grocery shopping done. Defeating to say the least.
The good: Doctor's orders say that I am UNLIMITED in the amount of inside exercise I can engage in. So my 60 min on the eliptical yesterday wouldn't have been considered "naughty". So I ran 4 miles at the Rec tonight....just nice and easy.
The bad: I have to take more medicine. I hate taking meds....I feel like I AM Walgreens!
The very happy day: I am going to get better and feel awesome in less than 3 days and I can really start knocking out some miles!!!
8 1/2 weeks and counting. I'm focusing right now on keeping my miles up and getting my weight back down to 130. This morning I was at 142.2. IMO this weight is as important as getting my mileage. "Ain't nobody gonna convince me otherwise!"
However the week following my "almost died but knocked off 10 miles" run, I didn't run even a step. Between the dance classes for my two daughters and my oldest son's high school JV basketball and not to mention, I have a job, make dinner, do the laundry and try to squeeze some sleep and a few showers in....I feel lucky to have a moment to breathe every day. Sunday night came around again and I thought it would be prudent to go ahead and do that 10 miles again with Emily knowing that I should be able to have a few days to get more miles in than just 10 that next week. This 10 miles we ran with Tony Bunt. He is a super fast guy who was gracious enough to allow me to slog on behind him and Emily. I swear I've turned into more than a back of the packer, I'm like the little fat kid running behind the entire group waving their hands saying "wait for me"......only in reality I'm the one wheezing, dying on the inside, trying to find that part of me that really does love this.
All the dang wheezing....and along comes the WC50K. I've had some serious panic and doubts about my ability to finish this distance knowing my peak flows have dropped, it's absolutely sub-artic weather outside and an orange air quality to top it all off. Luckily, Jon K and I only had to do about 24 miles and a good deal of that was with the last 20 mile runner who was going at a pace that was completely comfortable for a wheeze machine such as myself. Even still, on the way home if I tried to talk to many words or laugh or exhale/inhale with any kind of force, it would send me into a mass of smoker's hack sounding cough spasms.
I swear I can't live like this. I yell at my kids, I'm angry with my husband and life in general is not pleasant for those around me. So I gave in and called the doctor this morning. They got me in today. I had a fever that was low grade. She said this likely meant that I've been having "this" lingering and my body has been working hard to fight it off. OH, maybe that's why I have a stupid cold sore now! Anyway, she said I had either one of or a combo of walking pneumonia and a sinus infection. Back to the drug store for my antibiotics and steriod anti-inflammatories. MORE MEDICATIONS.....I keep telling myself it's for the greater good of my wellbeing. Not just for running because if that's all it is for, then it seems only selfish to take meds and spend money like that. I mean I do feel better when I can breath and all but somehow it just doesn't seem fair. I said as much to the Nurse Practitioner that I saw today and she said it's really not ok for me to just sit around since that doesn't make me short of breath. Yesterday, pushing H (my 5 y.o.) and D (my 4 y.o.) in a cart at WinCo, I was so short of breath, I had to take H out of the cart to get the grocery shopping done. Defeating to say the least.
The good: Doctor's orders say that I am UNLIMITED in the amount of inside exercise I can engage in. So my 60 min on the eliptical yesterday wouldn't have been considered "naughty". So I ran 4 miles at the Rec tonight....just nice and easy.
The bad: I have to take more medicine. I hate taking meds....I feel like I AM Walgreens!
The very happy day: I am going to get better and feel awesome in less than 3 days and I can really start knocking out some miles!!!
8 1/2 weeks and counting. I'm focusing right now on keeping my miles up and getting my weight back down to 130. This morning I was at 142.2. IMO this weight is as important as getting my mileage. "Ain't nobody gonna convince me otherwise!"
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Time and training, pt 1
Time is a weird thing. It seems like time is the seasoning to most things.
Training for a mountain 100 feels like turning the treadmill/eliptical/row maching or whatever you are using to the max tension and then trying to train at that level. It is very very hard. Don't get me wrong. I love it, but it's really honking hard. I have been training like that since May 2012. It is what I really like to do and I really do like some super hard work. I signed up for Antelope Island 100 for a couple of reasons. I really think the island is mysterious so there is a draw to that. And also, I want to finish a 100 where I am running a very good portion of the time. Climbing is what I'm the least good at. So clearly in a mountain 100 (and when I say mountain 100 I mean something with elevation gain in the upward of 10K'-15K'+....Bighorn had 18K') climbing is a big part of the game. I remember enjoying training last year for pacing Emily at Salt Flats because all I had to do was run. No climbing, no hiking, just plain ol' running. What a fun and happy thing to do! So now, as I prepare to do the same with Antelope Island, I get to just run and run and run some more!
Training for a mountain 100 feels like turning the treadmill/eliptical/row maching or whatever you are using to the max tension and then trying to train at that level. It is very very hard. Don't get me wrong. I love it, but it's really honking hard. I have been training like that since May 2012. It is what I really like to do and I really do like some super hard work. I signed up for Antelope Island 100 for a couple of reasons. I really think the island is mysterious so there is a draw to that. And also, I want to finish a 100 where I am running a very good portion of the time. Climbing is what I'm the least good at. So clearly in a mountain 100 (and when I say mountain 100 I mean something with elevation gain in the upward of 10K'-15K'+....Bighorn had 18K') climbing is a big part of the game. I remember enjoying training last year for pacing Emily at Salt Flats because all I had to do was run. No climbing, no hiking, just plain ol' running. What a fun and happy thing to do! So now, as I prepare to do the same with Antelope Island, I get to just run and run and run some more!
Friday, October 12, 2012
IMTUF (Idaho Mountain Trail Ultra Festival) Actually I'm not --- first DNF
To say I was excited about this race is an understatement. After I finished BigHorn 100 in June, I was certain that I would not toe the line at IMTUF 100 in Oct. It felt insurmountable. I gave up thinking about it and just focused on my millions of day to day activities that a mom of 4 who works part-time has. It was easy to pretend like I didn't have a BEASTLY race coming up...kind of. Slow but surely in mid Aug, I began to have a fire to train and to focus on IMTUF. My weekly mileage grew in quantity, in quality and with intensity, that is until my allergy season started at the beginning of Sept. With the increased allergies brought increased inflammation in my airways and the start of my asthma flare. By Sept 28, just 15 days before the start of IMTUF, I reluctantly called my doctor to report my declining peak flows and inability to perform any physical activity (including walking up the long stairway in my house) without significant work of breathing. He immediately called in a steroid medication. This with my already increased medication to fight off the raging allergies just felt like I was a walking Walgreens. I still had some hope though. My last run had been a PR on a short 4+miler on a local hill I like to call Nemesis. I had been forced into no running because of my lungs and felt like it was just going to be a sharply declined taper. Not really ideal but I would be fine. On Oct 4, I had my first normal peak flow reading. I was elated and thought....I'm back to my A-game....or so I *thought*.
Oct 5th came. Craig and I farmed out our four children to three different homes. We drove up to Burgdorf and I was dismayed to find when we arrived, there was so much smoke there it was as though you were standing over a camp fire without even being near one. The smoke from a fire that had started three weeks prior but was several miles to the west had settled in the valleys and it was thick. The cold air at night was trapping the smoke down low. It was so heavy and think that the views of the mountains were hazy and you could not see far. I could feel the heaviness in my breathing right away but I refused to give any voice to the rising anxiety inside. There was nothing I could do about this now. I had trained. I had called the doctor (which is NOT normally a thing I would do unless I was missing work). I had been diligent to not push myself as to not further the inflammation process already taking over my respiratory system. I relaxed and did what I could to just take it in. The setting really was ideal. It was gorgeous and looked like so much fun. I wanted to finish this race really, REALLY bad.
6:00AM Burgdorf, ID - IMTUF 100 starts:
5, 4, 3, 2, 1, GO! No one went anywhere. It was the most comical start I'd ever seen. 33 of us standing there waiting for someone to start running. Me being the slowest runner of the bunch started walking/shuffling and pretending to move over the start line in hopes every one would blaze past me. Pretty much they did. As we started running, it became immediately clear that my lungs were SO TIRED! I realized by the end of about three miles that I could either slow down or pull out very early. I decided that I would slow down. I walked and took a break. By the time I got to the first crew spot (Chinook AS-13 mi) I had used my inhaler twice because I was hacking so hard I couldn't catch my breath. My body felt like I'd done NOTHING but my lungs felt like I was breathing under water. I knew that this was not going to be my day and I had a decision to make. Quit now or carry on at a slower pace and go until I couldn't make the cut offs. There was no way in heck I could reconcile quitting at that point. Why in the world would I have taken the medication to get my lungs back to a breathing level if I wasn't going to get the most out of my run. So I carried on.
It hasn't been a full week. I can say this much. I feel like I gave a moderate effort and am 100% recovered. I'm sure I'm not 100% but I feel no undue tiredness, not extra muscle fatigue. The swelling in my lower extremities is all but gone. I'm eating and sleeping normally and I'm burning for the change to race again. There is a half marathon that several of my friends are running on Nov. 3 and I may just sign up and run it. I can't get enough of that uphill climb, the burn in the lungs, the rising feeling that I'm tapping out to the eminent retching if I don't slow my HR. I yearn for those feelings. I love to push myself and I will do it again. I thought I would just be doing one 100 miler in 2013 but I see myself doing at least two. One for fun and one to get down to serious business!
The bottom line, I'm working to not regret my DNF. I want to learn from it. I need to embrace it and accept it as part of my journey. What I know about my journey is that it's not about the destination, it's about the steps along the way.
Pictures are from Long Run Pictures, Michael Lebowitz
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
100 Mile Recovery...
...is a disease called "fat, ugly and depressed". In the 2.5 weeks since I ran 100 miles I've gained 5 pounds (yes, literally and I have the scale to prove it), I can't get out of bed in the morning and I HATE looking at myself in the mirror. I feel like I have zero positive thoughts about myself. I'm overwhelmed by every decision that I have to make...even like whether or not to run any particular day. I have a sub-zero motivation and I can't shake it. I cannot shake this funk. I called in late to work for two days (an hour-ish late each time) the week after and ended up calling in sick for an entire day the second week post run. I am eating shit. Yes, literally the crappiest food in the world. That is what I am putting into my body. Its like I am at a low point in a run, where I can see it but I feel utterly helpless to get myself out of it. That's how I feel now, only it's my life and I can't get myself out of it.
I'm going on a real trail run tonight and I'm really hoping it helps. I need to feel the trail under my feet, the sweat on my back and my face, I need to feel tired because I exerted myself and worked damn hard. I need to get back to myself because this is not me!
***Update***
I'm back from the trail run. 10.6 mi in 2:25 w/ 1440' of gain. That felt perfectly wonderful and very spirit lifting. Just very reaffirming that I am actually a strong runner. I may not be the fastest or the strongest but I don't need to be. I am who I am and it's not relative to what someone else is. I am a strong woman. I am a trail runner. I am an ultra trail runner who has a heart and soul that live on the trails. Tonight I found my soul waiting for me about 2 miles in. I am renewed.
I'm going on a real trail run tonight and I'm really hoping it helps. I need to feel the trail under my feet, the sweat on my back and my face, I need to feel tired because I exerted myself and worked damn hard. I need to get back to myself because this is not me!
***Update***
I'm back from the trail run. 10.6 mi in 2:25 w/ 1440' of gain. That felt perfectly wonderful and very spirit lifting. Just very reaffirming that I am actually a strong runner. I may not be the fastest or the strongest but I don't need to be. I am who I am and it's not relative to what someone else is. I am a strong woman. I am a trail runner. I am an ultra trail runner who has a heart and soul that live on the trails. Tonight I found my soul waiting for me about 2 miles in. I am renewed.
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