Miles, Training, and A New Friend

I’m running again.  Our babe is 8 months old.  I’m literally training for a half marathon.  I feel almost stupid saying that but I’m training with a girl who has never run more than a 10K race.  She just started running a year ago.  Her enthusiasm for running is contagious.  She’s much faster than me, but this is a good match.  I push her on the distance and she pushes me on the pace.  Icing on the cake about this girl….. she GETS me.  She is open hearted, authentic, upbeat and genuine.  I seriously love running with her.  No one can compare to my girl (Emily) but for this time, right now, I need my current running partner.  I just told her this morning that if it weren’t for her signing up for the half marathon and me telling her that I would train and run the race with her, I wouldn’t have gotten my ass out the door nearly as much as I have. 

In Feb 2009 I started running (consistently) because at the time I had a 4 month old babe and was ready to take control of my body again.  I hadn’t ever run a 5K or 5 miles.  I had a goal of losing baby weight (15ish pounds) and getting my fitness back that I’ve had the pleasure of enjoying during my adult years.  So I decided two miles was the golden ticket and that was my regular work out.  Two miles, some push-ups, planks, and other miscellaneous exercises…..  The thing is, I had nowhere to go but up from that place.  Today on the other hand, is a very different story.  I’ve already been an ultra runner.  I’ve covered that 100 mile distance more than once.  I already know how it feels to be in tip top shape.  But I’ve had another baby and it’s like I’m starting over again….except for what my mind knows….. ultras, long distance runs, mountains, trails, the mental push.....I keep comparing my current self to my ultra self.  I’ve had to figure out how to stop doing that.  Last time (in 2009) I was just taking it one day at a time.  I’ve struggled so much in 2015 fighting internally about not running enough, feeling exhausted and calling myself lazy and fat (on the inside of course…. that ugly voice that creeps in).   But something happened a couple months ago.  I met Christa who was looking for someone to train for a half marathon with.  I thought it would be a great opportunity to start somewhere….  The first race I ever did was a half marathon.  Why should I do anything different this time? 

So here I am….training for a half marathon.  I have a super training partner right now who is motivating me with her enthusiasm for running.  She says she wants me to teach her how to run long.  Funny thing is, I am not really teaching her anything.  She’s teaching me to love to run again.  To love running even if it’s only 3 miles at a time.  I ran over 46 miles in the month of May 2015.  The last time I ran that far was in Aug 2013 (140+ miles that month).  I will easily pass that 46 mile mark this month (June).  I really cannot believe I’m doing it.  I’ve lost 10 pounds so far (still have 15 more to go) and I’m RUNNING!  I feel so much better and my heart is so happy.  I was thinking earlier today that the last two years were not necessarily what I would have planned out for myself in terms of running and my home life….BUT I can honestly say that I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I’m so much happier now in a million ways.  I won’t EVER take for granted my fitness, my running and my spirit for running 100 miles in the mountains. 

Bear 100, BigHorn 100, Plain 100….. I’m coming after you…hunting you down like a wolf to its prey. 

I say three months, but what if it's six months or even a year?

This last weekend was the running of the BigHorn 100 miler in the Bighorn mountains of WY. This was the setting of my first 100 mile attempt and finish in 2012. I had no pacer. I had no crew. I had a log worth of miles and giant pile of determination built up in my soul.

I should back up.... I have asthma and am going to have another baby in about 3 short months. Asthma, pregnancy and my body all hate each other. Generally I can make two of them get along, body + asthma OR body + pregnancy BUT, not all three. It's such a balancing act and it feels so ridiculous. Asthma is one of those things that I can't muscle through. Believe me, I've tried. From wheezing all night, to a resting heart rate of 142 in the doctor's office because of an asthma exacerbation...I hate asthma. It has been fairly well controlled up until this last January when I got pregnant. Since this is not my first rodeo with pregnancy, I knew fairly early and stopped taking all allergy and asthma meds since I had no clue what was safe and what wasn't.  So of course I've gained weight.  Hello, that's what you do when there's another person growing in your belly.  I have run less and less and the harder I try, the more I wheeze and end up back on stronger meds.  What a ridiculous struggle and cycle this has been. 

Where am I now?  I have three months til I have another sweet cutie pot to love for the rest of my life.  I cherish this gift and I don't want anything I say about running or my future goals to ever give a different impression.  Nonetheless, I have a drive and hellishly stubborn determination that cannot be ignored and it's really rearing it's head lately.  As the Pickled Feet 24 run passed by this last March.....I placed 2nd overall female for the last two years and didn't even participate this year.  I was a co-RD this year for the race but my RD partner and I had discussed me running during the preparation for this event.  Last March I ran my most recent 100 miler, so now I'm officially a year out from running 100....my beloved distance. An now, I won't get to do one in 2014 at all.  Yes, I know that there are more important things in life and this is temporary and will not last forever, etc.  "Look at the big picture AMY!" is what I hear from EVERYONE.  I recognize I'm whining and complaining. 

But on a serious note, as I look to the future and have been counting down the days til I can hold my cutie in my arms and take back control of some things in my life, like breathing (proper asthma medication that has been on the shelf during pregnancy), I ponder things like....how long before I will run again?  Will I have to struggle to just run two miles again?  That's where I started in 2008.  Do I have to start all the way back there?  Can I nurse a babe and run an ultra?  I only ran half maries last time I was nursing.  I never tried to go any further.  So what if I can only run the 13.1?  As I watched all the posts about BH, I wondered if maybe I could do this 100 as a "re-entry" into my ultra life again....in 2015?  I mean that would logistically look like me training heavy for six months in 2015 (assuming I take two months off from Oct - Dec 2014 to recover and drop some weight, stabilize lactation and babe, etc.).  I don't think it can happen.  It's too much, too fast.  I'm not 20 or even 30.  I'll be 39 in Aug and pregnancy is not as easy when you're this age....in case anyone had that burning question in their mind, I'll be the first to tell you...it's easier when you're younger. 

I love my babe and I wouldn't change a thing.  But I do wonder and am beginning to realize that my ultrarunning may have to wait a bit longer than the three months I've been telling myself.  I probably won't be capable of training at the level needed to do a hundo in 2015.  Hmmmm.....we will see.  I can say that I've had some pretty good mental training through this last year.  At least I have THAT going for me.  Plus I have a person in my life that is super supportive of me running and training.  My children are in a MUCH better place than I've ever known them to be.  Whose to say this isn't going to be the best running season yet...2015 that is?  I could strive for a half marathon PR! or just go for a new weight goal.  How often do you get to burn some extra cals during the day just by being alive (lactation)?  I can make this work for me.  Not that it's all about me, but I mean really.... I need goals and things to look forward to.  I don't have to attain every single goal in my life, but I do want to have something to work for. 

Okay, enough babbling...carry on and happy running people.  :)

some serious mental training

***pictures to come***

For those of you that know me, you understand that since last summer my life has been spiraling out of control....literally to what has felt like the pits of hell.  From the disolution of a 13 year marriage and the massive collateral damage to my relationship with my oldest son (16 yr old) to me now hardly running even 10 miles a week and working almost double the number of hours I was a year ago.  My new status: I have chosen to be alive.  I don't have a clue what that looks like, but I'm going to live life alive.  No more survival mode.  No more self loathing.  Bring on life and living. 

My birthday was last Sat (Aug 31) and I turned 38.  I am so young it's not even funny.  I don't have arthritis.  I don't have any fatal diseases (other than being mortal).  In fact, I'm a damn healthy person.  I have allergies and asthma but since the break up of my marriage can you believe that my peak flows have actually improved?!  I still get allergies shots every two weeks and that's a pain in the ass but they are working.  I've been around cats.  I've even petted them as well as dogs without any reactions whatsoever.  I've been weaned off of some of my medicines.  The time of year has come when sage and chenopod run rampid and my allergies tend to soar which reeks havoc on my respiratory system.  So far, so good this year.  This is great news.  All of this leads to strength and the ability to overcome. 

This summer I've had the most random training...if you can even call it that.  I've had sporatic (at best) weight training.  Running has been as high has 60+ mi a week to zero mi a week.  So...pretty consistent in the wildly varying dept.  Don't ya think?  : )  I ran the MTC 40 mi in July http://mccalltrailrunningclassic.blogspot.com/ and discovered the most amazing things.  #1 I had zero training except for the horrific mental training that I had been experiencing.  #2 I had nothing but positive mental places to be.  There were some hard climbs in the nearly 10K' of gain over the course and I actually ran out of water for several miles.  I had some generally unpleasant things happen just like in most races but something different happened at this race.  I didn't spiral into a mental low that looked like a bottomless pit.  In fact, I didn't spiral at all.  When I ran out of water, I knew I was within a few miles of aid and so I told myself "it's ok Amy.  This is going to hurt some because you want water.  You'll get it.  You'll be fine.  Carry on and get your ass to the AS".  So, I did.  No mental spiral.  I finished this race in the top 10 females.  I think there were only 11-12 girls but still.  I finished 8th with a time of 12:22:43.  I was so happy about that I think I smiled for a week.  Then in August, I was going back to Wild Idaho. http://www.runwildidaho.com/50-mile/  That was the setting for my very first ultramarathon in 2011.  So much has occurred in the last 2 years.  I never would have imagined.  This year however instead of barely being able to finish a 50K, I planned to dominate a 50 miler.  And dominate I did.  I took that race by the horns and owned it.  I made an agressive pacing chart and once again, with little to horrible training, I finished 4th female (of 5 total) and had a finish time of 15:09:28.  That 50 miler has approx 16K' of gain.  Beyond happy with my finish.  Of course this is after I had marked about 9 miles of the course the day before but hey, who ever said trail running was for pansies. 

Then just last weekend, over my birthday I got to help sweep the 100 mile IMTUF http://imtuf100.com/ course with one of my favorite people, Emily Berriochoa.  http://emilyberriochoa.com/home/ I've mentioned her in some of my previous blog posts but she is seriously one of my most cherished running friends.  She is a friend as much outside of running as she is in my running world.  We swept a little under half of the last of the course together.  We rang in my birthday at the Snowslide AS where one of my very best friends (Shanda) and I got to hang out for a while.  I felt so lucky to be alive in that moment.  Two other friends, Kristine Goodman and Kayla Meeker were there too and we sat around for a short while talking and sharing.  It's really amazing how you can inspire others and never even know you were doing anything.  Never underestimate the power of relationship.  I love my friends.  They've held my hand while I walked through fire this last year.  They've helped me put one foot in front of the other when I forgot I even had feet.  They've reminded me of who I am when I forgot.  They have loved me and supported me in ways that I never knew possible.  I will not underestimate the power of these bonds.

In talking with a friend today who is currently running a 5K a day for the entire year of his 39th year of age, I thought....I should do something like that too.  I don't see myself being able to commit to a 5K every day, but I can certainly commit to a minimum number of miles per week.  This is what I did a few winters ago when I needed to simply maintain my fitness.  So, I think I'll do something like that for my 38th year of life.  I'm not really about defining much or putting my goals in a box lately so I'm just going to leave it all flexy and say that I'm making this a hell of a year and am getting back to more and more of who I really am.  I like the "real me" better than the "survival mode me". 

OK, all you trail runners.  Carry on with your badass selves.  Go soak up some trail dirt and whether you're climbing, running a nice flat path or slamming a downhill, go for it....live your life ALIVE and full of passion.  Don't quit, don't stop, push forward through the tough stuff.  There really is some light up ahead.