I say three months, but what if it's six months or even a year?

This last weekend was the running of the BigHorn 100 miler in the Bighorn mountains of WY. This was the setting of my first 100 mile attempt and finish in 2012. I had no pacer. I had no crew. I had a log worth of miles and giant pile of determination built up in my soul.

I should back up.... I have asthma and am going to have another baby in about 3 short months. Asthma, pregnancy and my body all hate each other. Generally I can make two of them get along, body + asthma OR body + pregnancy BUT, not all three. It's such a balancing act and it feels so ridiculous. Asthma is one of those things that I can't muscle through. Believe me, I've tried. From wheezing all night, to a resting heart rate of 142 in the doctor's office because of an asthma exacerbation...I hate asthma. It has been fairly well controlled up until this last January when I got pregnant. Since this is not my first rodeo with pregnancy, I knew fairly early and stopped taking all allergy and asthma meds since I had no clue what was safe and what wasn't.  So of course I've gained weight.  Hello, that's what you do when there's another person growing in your belly.  I have run less and less and the harder I try, the more I wheeze and end up back on stronger meds.  What a ridiculous struggle and cycle this has been. 

Where am I now?  I have three months til I have another sweet cutie pot to love for the rest of my life.  I cherish this gift and I don't want anything I say about running or my future goals to ever give a different impression.  Nonetheless, I have a drive and hellishly stubborn determination that cannot be ignored and it's really rearing it's head lately.  As the Pickled Feet 24 run passed by this last March.....I placed 2nd overall female for the last two years and didn't even participate this year.  I was a co-RD this year for the race but my RD partner and I had discussed me running during the preparation for this event.  Last March I ran my most recent 100 miler, so now I'm officially a year out from running 100....my beloved distance. An now, I won't get to do one in 2014 at all.  Yes, I know that there are more important things in life and this is temporary and will not last forever, etc.  "Look at the big picture AMY!" is what I hear from EVERYONE.  I recognize I'm whining and complaining. 

But on a serious note, as I look to the future and have been counting down the days til I can hold my cutie in my arms and take back control of some things in my life, like breathing (proper asthma medication that has been on the shelf during pregnancy), I ponder things like....how long before I will run again?  Will I have to struggle to just run two miles again?  That's where I started in 2008.  Do I have to start all the way back there?  Can I nurse a babe and run an ultra?  I only ran half maries last time I was nursing.  I never tried to go any further.  So what if I can only run the 13.1?  As I watched all the posts about BH, I wondered if maybe I could do this 100 as a "re-entry" into my ultra life again....in 2015?  I mean that would logistically look like me training heavy for six months in 2015 (assuming I take two months off from Oct - Dec 2014 to recover and drop some weight, stabilize lactation and babe, etc.).  I don't think it can happen.  It's too much, too fast.  I'm not 20 or even 30.  I'll be 39 in Aug and pregnancy is not as easy when you're this age....in case anyone had that burning question in their mind, I'll be the first to tell you...it's easier when you're younger. 

I love my babe and I wouldn't change a thing.  But I do wonder and am beginning to realize that my ultrarunning may have to wait a bit longer than the three months I've been telling myself.  I probably won't be capable of training at the level needed to do a hundo in 2015.  Hmmmm.....we will see.  I can say that I've had some pretty good mental training through this last year.  At least I have THAT going for me.  Plus I have a person in my life that is super supportive of me running and training.  My children are in a MUCH better place than I've ever known them to be.  Whose to say this isn't going to be the best running season yet...2015 that is?  I could strive for a half marathon PR! or just go for a new weight goal.  How often do you get to burn some extra cals during the day just by being alive (lactation)?  I can make this work for me.  Not that it's all about me, but I mean really.... I need goals and things to look forward to.  I don't have to attain every single goal in my life, but I do want to have something to work for. 

Okay, enough babbling...carry on and happy running people.  :)

The good, The bad and The happy days

So, there's been a mega inversion in the Treasure Valley for the last several weeks following Christmas.  It honestly didn't dawn on me until Saturday's 50K sweep of the Wilson Creek frozen 50K that we may also be dealing with poor air quality.  Nonetheless, the lows have been in the single digits to negative numbers and highs during the day are a swealtering 20 on a good day!  So, all outside running no matter when you go is pretty brutal.  I did get run down at Christmas with family here but doesn't everyone?  I had very low miles in December and I just figured I'd pick back up after my sister left to go back to OK on Jan 5th.  The very next night I met up with my training friend Emily and ran a 10 mile death march.  First off, we were meeting people at the Lake Lowell Refuge and my understanding was that we'd run a straight line from her house which would be less than 2 miles.  Well, leave it to Emily to have something more pleasant. She had a 3 mile route planned out and since we had just under 30 minutes to get there, I realized I was going to die.  #1 I've gained 15 pounds since my BigHorn 100 finish in June 2012.  That's been very difficult for me not only psychologically but physically as well when it comes to my work of breathing on a run.  #2 I ran less than 50 miles in the month of December.  Compared to the 150ish miles I'd been running every month in 2012, Dec was a very low running month.  Needless to say, those 3 miles of sub 10 min/mi was like a full out sprint and in single digit temperatures...the combo was just no good.  I was a wheeze fest on the way home from that 10 miler but the fact that I finished and didn't die and honestly didn't even walk (I may have spent 15-20 seconds wretching at the top of the 3rd roller) in less than 2 hours was great.  Just to know I could knock off a 10 miler felt like all wasn't completely lost. 

However the week following my "almost died but knocked off 10 miles" run, I didn't run even a step.  Between the dance classes for my two daughters and my oldest son's high school JV basketball and not to mention, I have a job, make dinner, do the laundry and try to squeeze some sleep and a few showers in....I feel lucky to have a moment to breathe every day.  Sunday night came around again and I thought it would be prudent to go ahead and do that 10 miles again with Emily knowing that I should be able to have a few days to get more miles in than just 10 that next week.  This 10 miles we ran with Tony Bunt.  He is a super fast guy who was gracious enough to allow me to slog on behind him and Emily.  I swear I've turned into more than a back of the packer, I'm like the little fat kid running behind the entire group waving their hands saying "wait for me"......only in reality I'm the one wheezing, dying on the inside, trying to find that part of me that really does love this. 

All the dang wheezing....and along comes the WC50K.  I've had some serious panic and doubts about my ability to finish this distance knowing my peak flows have dropped, it's absolutely sub-artic weather outside and an orange air quality to top it all off.  Luckily, Jon K and I only had to do about 24 miles and a good deal of that was with the last 20 mile runner who was going at a pace that was completely comfortable for a wheeze machine such as myself.  Even still, on the way home if I tried to talk to many words or laugh or exhale/inhale with any kind of force, it would send me into a mass of smoker's hack sounding cough spasms. 

I swear I can't live like this.  I yell at my kids, I'm angry with my husband and life in general is not pleasant for those around me.  So I gave in and called the doctor this morning.  They got me in today.  I had a fever that was low grade.  She said this likely meant that I've been having "this" lingering and my body has been working hard to fight it off.  OH, maybe that's why I have a stupid cold sore now!  Anyway, she said I had either one of or a combo of walking pneumonia and a sinus infection.  Back to the drug store for my antibiotics and steriod anti-inflammatories.   MORE MEDICATIONS.....I keep telling myself it's for the greater good of my wellbeing.  Not just for running because if that's all it is for, then it seems only selfish to take meds and spend money like that.  I mean I do feel better when I can breath and all but somehow it just doesn't seem fair.  I said as much to the Nurse Practitioner that I saw today and she said it's really not ok for me to just sit around since that doesn't make me short of breath.  Yesterday, pushing H (my 5 y.o.) and D (my 4 y.o.) in a cart at WinCo, I was so short of breath, I had to take H out of the cart to get the grocery shopping done.  Defeating to say the least. 

The good: Doctor's orders say that I am UNLIMITED in the amount of inside exercise I can engage in.  So my 60 min on the eliptical yesterday wouldn't have been considered "naughty".  So I ran 4 miles at the Rec tonight....just nice and easy. 

The bad: I have to take more medicine.  I hate taking meds....I feel like I AM Walgreens!

The very happy day: I am going to get better and feel awesome in less than 3 days and I can really start knocking out some miles!!! 

8 1/2 weeks and counting.  I'm focusing right now on keeping my miles up and getting my weight back down to 130.  This morning I was at 142.2.  IMO this weight is as important as getting my mileage.  "Ain't nobody gonna convince me otherwise!"