The last hour

Monday night 7/24/2017:

The decision was made.   Labor would be induced primarily due to the multitude of risk factors that come with being pregnant over 40 yrs old and the additional clinical findings at my 41 week OB visit.  Monday I went to the hospital for gel placement that could potentially start labor with the least invasive procedure.  I am really sensitive to medication, meaning it doesn't take much and my body responds like a freight train. 

The gel was placed and I was required to stay in a mostly horizontal position for at least 30 min.  Within a couple minutes, I was having significant contractions.  Moments later, I was sweating profusely and getting very light headed.  I needed to use the restroom NOW and I also felt the need to vomit NOW!  It was extremely difficult to even formulate an intelligible sentence to Jon to tell him what I needed.  I was not allowed to get up (because of the gel on my cervix) not that it mattered since I could barely hang on.  I did ask Jon to come stand next to the skinny bed I was on since I fell like I might fall out if I did indeed faint.   I closed my eyes.  I tried to breathe deep and exhale slowly.  The guided imagery and affirmations that I'd listened to for several months seemed to be worthless.  I was fading in and out as contractions came and went. 

At some point, as I closed my eyes, I found myself sitting on my back porch, talking to Emily, one of my very best friends... mostly sobbing actually.  I was in shock, disbelief, paralyzing fear and anger.  Being the amazing friend she is, she didn't try to fix me, rather simply listened.  She let silence sit while I sobbed and then let me vent/cry out more as needed.  In the end, she asked, "what will you do?".  We logically listed out the options:
1. carry on with pregnancy, ultimately having another child
2. adoption
3. abortion.  
In my heart of hearts I knew the only real answer would be option number 1 however at the same time, I needed allow myself to sit with number 2 and 3.  In the last days of pregnancy, last moments before birth, this decision would be critical.  So as I lay in the hospital bed, writhing in and out of pain, on the brink of fainting, I thought about the heart felt time I spent making this decision.  My friend's words rang in my ears, "No matter what you do Amy, I'm on your side!"  I opened my eyes and laid in the bed trying to pretend away the pain, breathing deep and wiping away silent tears as Jon gently tried to soothe my ever increasingly agitated state. 

I let my eyes close once again.  This time I flashed back to the week of Thanksgiving, sitting in the car with my 15 y.o. daughter, Faith.  I had driven home from the initial ultrasound appointment where I witnessed my unborn child's heartbeat for the first time.  I knew in my gut on the way home I had to tell Faith immediately.  Our relationship warranted this level of transparency.  My home (six people in 1400 sq ft) does not allow for much one-on-one time in the middle of the day.  Thus, I texted Faith the moment I drove into the driveway telling her to come straight out to the car and not tell anyone what she was doing.  She got in the car, immediately on alert as she could see I'd been crying.  "Mom!  What's the matter?  Are you okay?  Please tell me what's going on!!" I could barely speak through the sobs.  "Faith, do you know what an IUD is?"  She responded in angst, "No Mom!  What does that mean and you're scaring me!!"  I gathered myself slightly, "Listen Faith, everything is going to be alright.  I just need to get this out.  An IUD is an intrauterine device that stops you from getting pregnant.  (Faith is starting to well up with tears at this moment) My IUD did not stop me from getting pregnant. I just got done with a doctor's appointment to confirm that I am pregnant."  Faith said, "Oh my gosh Mom.  WOW!  But why are you so upset?"  I explained how I already sense the urgency of time with regard to time I have with each of my children.  I may have an infinite volume of love in my heart but I have a very finite amount of time in a day.  This is my hugest mom related fear.  My eyes opened again as I am trying to gently exhale through a contraction.  The nurse came in and I begged her to get up and use the restroom.  I knew if I could puke and use the toilet, I would feel a zillion times better.   I was having contractions on top of contractions.  All the while, the baby's heart rate stayed steady. 

Some hours later after the doctor going back and forth whether she would even let me go home that night, I was finally allowed to go home for a few hours of sleep.  I had to be back at the hospital at 9am for the start of Pitocin...the drug that FEELS like it came straight from the pits of hell.  I got home and in bed at 1:43am.

I dreamed that Emily and I were running.  I don't know where exactly but we were running on some kind of trail. This was definitely a soothing dream.  I abruptly was awoken at 3:30am to contractions.  For some bizarre reason I felt rested.  Likely, because I was really only sleeping for short naps, at best and this was a longer "nap" than usual.  I laid in bed for over an hour thinking about running and trying to desperately figure out a way to avoid the pain of childbirth.  I cursed Eve for taking a bite of the forbidden fruit.  I imagined not going to the hospital and driving to McCall or Silver City so I could deliver a child in the mountains the way it's supposed to be...and not with a bunch of crazy meds.  Each new idea always ended with nothing.  I could not think of any way to avoid any of it. 

Tues AM, 7/25/2017:

As I sat at the kitchen table at 8:30am, waiting for my parents to arrive (to stay with Faith, Halle, Dawson and Joy), my mind was STILL going a million miles an hour trying to conjure up some new idea of how to avoid a synthetically induced childbirth.  Again, my mind could not come up with any feasible plan.  The circumstances around me looked like this: a plumber, an electrician, the foreman and his two workers, all in the house frantically completing our home remodel/addition.  Also, the dog (Miles) was agitated and barking at random people he'd never cared about before.  My children were all in some various form of individual coping mechanism and I sat at the table with my head in my hands, utterly helpless to find calm for myself or my children.  Because my bedroom was part of the remodeled area being worked on, I literally had no physical space inside my home to escape to...for quiet and calm.  By now, my only option was to simply go get in the car and hope that Jon either got in a wreck or somehow forgot how to get to the hospital.  That was my last hope avoiding childbirth. 

On the way to the hospital, I texted Emily and told her that I felt like all the mental prep I had done felt like walking 30 m/m on flat ground and showing up to a race that was a sprint up Cervidae (a near by peak with serious elevation gain).  I told her I just wanted to be done and would do whatever it took to BE DONE.  Her response was something that would hang in my mind for the remainder of the day.  She said "You can do this.  You are the strongest badass lady I know.  Only two miles to go....even if it is straight up Cervidae, there is an immediate and definite end point".  Emily somehow  knows how to talk to me and what to say.  I don't know how she does it but that was enough to at least get me on the right path.  She continued to send me texts throughout the day of encouraging words and imagery that spoke to my spirit, keeping me focused.

We arrived at the hospital.  I was still secretly contemplating running away and privately contriving an escape route.  I was still not giving into the idea of having a sixth child.  I couldn't let go.  I apparently still had work to do with God.  Over the course of the next nine hours, the work I needed to do was completed.  In the last hour before I held my babe, I came to terms with childbirth.  I didn't fight it anymore.  I had a deep sense that this baby was strong beyond my comprehension.  In the last hour I began to be excited to meet this child.  I loved this child with all that is in me.  I wanted to hold her.  I wanted to feed her.  I knew now, that I wanted this babe but that this child was a gift.  This babe was a gift I never in a million years knew I wanted.  And now that I recognized this, I couldn't be any more grateful. 

Ivy Amber King-Kinzer was born at 6:37pm.  She was the most perfect baby in the whole world and yes, I thought this about every one of my babes.  I really can't believe she almost didn't happen.  When they handed her to me, my heart literally exploded with happiness.